Some animals I have taken a dislike to and why

  • Dolphins: Notorious maritime rapists. Evil toothy grins. Much bigger than me. Always laughing. What’s not to hate?
  • Spiders: Spiders are gross.
  • Horses: Terrifying penises. In cahoots with snobby white women. Horses will bite you on your hand if they get a chance and their teeth are like grindstones.
  • Opossums: They live in my trash and hiss at me when I get near. Their tails are creepy like a mix of rat and pig.
  • Sharks: Duh.
  • Palmetto Bugs: When I was living down south, they would crawl on my lips at night when I was asleep. I just know it.
  • Worms: I am afraid one might slip up my butthole during a blackout.
  • Horseshoe Crabs: Their big prehistoric carcasses litter the beach every summer, when I am trying to pretend life is a happier place than it really is. They stink like a hobo’s taint are also very bad to eat, I presume.
  • Dragons: Dragons are okay, but fake.


Filed under Animalia (creatures)

2 responses to “Some animals I have taken a dislike to and why

  1. What do you think about pandas? Hugely overrated in my opinion! Here in San Diego, if one of the pandas at the zoo takes a dump, the whole city applauds. Huge hyperbole there, but really, who cares. I guess they have always been cloaked in mystery until recent times, and they are special in a cryptozoology way, but I don’t like them. That’s my opinion on pandas!

    • I recently watched something about the pandas at the National Zoo on the Great Museums show (find it on Hulu) and I have to say that they perplex me. These animals are on the verge of extinction and their genes don’t seem to be trying to find it all that hard. The females are only fertile for about 48 hours a year and the males have virtually no sex drive. Not to mention, they can only exist in very few places because of their hyper-specific dietary restrictions. I wonder if they have given up. Perhaps the panda species has already reached enlightenment and are just waiting to fade away, despite the efforts of the zoological community.

      They are basically like big raccoons, no? They are not actual bears.

      I don’t think we have one here in Baltimore but I like I said, there are pandas in DC, so that’s close. I don’t know how the District responds to their bowel movements though. Probably in a similar fashion to the folks in San Diego.

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