A Helpful List of Thirteen Ways to Meet Your Neighbors

  1. Try to sell them your fire alarm.
  2. Ask if they’d be available to babysit. Then whisper, “A Cheetah.”
  3. Ask them if they would like to get corresponding tattoos. Tell them you will get one of their face. On your face.
  4. Over drinks, hint at the idea of building a bridge between houses. Later mention that you have already begun construction on your side.
  5. Ask if they want to come to a party with five other strangers from contrasting backgrounds to watch the new Real World. Tell them you like to watch it with strangers. Stress that this “can only be a one time thing.”
  6. Leave a pitcher of egg nog on their doorstep. In July.
  7. Offer them inflated prices on Girl Scout cookies that have been going around the neighborhood.
  8. Fly a flag with their picture on it.
  9. Warn them about the local mole population. Speak as cryptically as possible and look over your shoulder a lot as if something was listening. “They’re huge,” you should warn them.
  10. See if they’re into wife swapping.  When they answer no, ask them,”How about child swapping?”
  11. Ask if they’re cops. Tell them they have to tell you if you ask. You know you’re rights.
  12. Ask if they know how to crack your back. Tell them you’ve been waiting months to find someone who would be willing to do it and the tension is literally killing you. When they’re done, collapse on their lawn with a sigh of relief and start laughing.
  13. Invite them to help you make a list on how to meet all your other neighbors. Say you asked them first because you could tell they were “cool.”


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3 responses to “A Helpful List of Thirteen Ways to Meet Your Neighbors

  1. Super funny! I just got new neighbors and might try the back cracking one.

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