All animals are underrated, so I feel bad when I think negative things about them but it happens anyway. I can’t help it because I am only human and after all, humans are only animals. “It’s not you,” I tell them. “It’s me.”
Dolphins: Notorious maritime rapists. Evil grins with conical teeth. Bigger than me and made of muscle. What’s not to fear?
Spiders: Their speed and stealth make me think they could make nests in my brain when I am not paying attention. Spiders are gross in the most basic way.
Horses: Terrifying penises. In cahoots with cowboys and snobby white women. Teeth like millstones. They will kick you in the face if you don’t watch out.
Opossums: Opossums are frightening. They live in my trash and hiss when I come near. Their faces are like torture devices. I imagine them being poked in at me through a cage sometimes.
Palmetto Bugs: When I lived down south, they crawled on my face at night when I was sleeping. They are enormous flying cockroaches. Enough said.
Worms: I fear they might slip up my butthole while I am daydreaming.
Horseshoe Crabs: Their big prehistoric bodies litter the beaches each summer. They stink like a hobo’s taint. I don’t like to think of the other delicious animals as sharing an ocean with them. I once had a friend when I was six who put a horseshoe crab shell on his head. I stopped being friends with him for months afterward.
Dogs: Sometimes I see dogs and think they look like they want to rob me.
Dragons: Dragons are okay, but fake.
There are many more that I could add to this list, but right now I have my hands full repenting for these negative thoughts. To all the animals out there, I want to say: I am sorry for hating you sometimes.