Some Animals I Have Had Negative Emotions About and Why

All animals are underrated, so I feel bad when I think negative things about them but it happens anyway. I can’t help it because I am only human and after all, humans are only animals. “It’s not you,” I tell them. “It’s me.” 

Dolphins: Notorious maritime rapists. Evil grins with conical teeth. Bigger than me and made of muscle. What’s not to fear?

Spiders: Their speed and stealth make me think they could make nests in my brain when I am not paying attention. Spiders are gross in the most basic way.

Horses: Terrifying penises. In cahoots with cowboys and snobby white women. Teeth like millstones. They will kick you in the face if you don’t watch out.

Opossums: Opossums are frightening. They live in my trash and hiss when I come near. Their faces are like torture devices. I imagine them being poked in at me through a cage sometimes.

Sharks: Duh.

Palmetto Bugs:  When I lived down south, they crawled on my face at night when I was sleeping.  They are enormous flying cockroaches. Enough said.

Worms: I fear they might slip up my butthole while I am daydreaming.

Horseshoe Crabs: Their big prehistoric bodies litter the beaches each summer. They stink like a hobo’s taint. I don’t like to think of the other delicious animals as sharing an ocean with them. I once had a friend when I was six who put a horseshoe crab shell on his head. I stopped being friends with him for months afterward.

Dogs: Sometimes I see dogs and think they look like they want to rob me.

Dragons: Dragons are okay, but fake.

There are many more that I could add to this list, but right now I have my hands full repenting for these negative thoughts. To all the animals out there, I want to say: I am sorry for hating you sometimes. 



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3 responses to “Some Animals I Have Had Negative Emotions About and Why

  1. Tim

    Arf . . . . . . . . arf . . . . . . . . arf . . . ,*

    * cheeseburgers – please – thanks . . . ,

  2. Clearly, I am all for expressing opinions via blogs … so I share this with you – 99 reasons horseshoe crabs are awesome! Keep up the great work.

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