List of Ways To Meet People on the Bus

1. Tell them you are an intern for the MTA. Cover your ears when they give you suggestions to tell your boss.

2. Walk seat to seat with a can of Lysol. Ask everyone to stand up so you can spray beneath them. When you are finished, ask the driver to borrow his microphone. Spray the microphone and then speak into it. Say, “You’re welcome.”

3. Do magic tricks with the drugs in people’s pockets.  (Probably a good idea to get off at the next stop.)

4. Sing “The Wheels on the Bus” very loudly and tell anyone who joins in to shut the fuck up you are singing.

5. Try desperately to fit your head out the window, then ask the people around you if they have any butter.

6. Ask the driver if it is okay if you use the back of his bus as your business office from now on. On your way back to your seat, tell everybody, “Open for business!” Then get off at the next stop.

7. Have a leg shaving party in the handicapped seats with your best friend and his best friend too.

8. Give yourself a tattoo. Anyone that you catch staring should be offered one too.

9. Paint your face with your own saliva but make it really pretty so other people ask for it too.

10. Take your cell phone away from your ear and call out, “I am ordering Indian food. Anybody want anything? They also have pizza and chicken.”


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