List of Ways to Break Your Big Toe

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1. Climb a tree. Tie your toe to a tree branch. Jump off the tree.

2. Drop a briefcase full of money on it.

3. Kick a statue of a dog like it just bit you.

4. Break your toe because you were wearing the wrong shoes on the wet deck of a yacht navigating reef-y terrain off the coast of Bermuda.

5. Light your toe on fire. Put the fire out with a hammer.

6. In the revolving spokes of your bike on your ride to the hardware store to buy a hammer.

7. Listen to Lionel Richie. Feel his magic course through your feet, then up your legs until you are dancing on the ceiling. Dance directly into the ceiling fan.

8. Feed your toe to a parrot.

9. Break it while showing off on a diving board for a deck of lounge chairs filled with your stuffed animals.

10. Put your toe in a vice and roll sideways in one swift motion off the workbench it is attached to. Hear the loud snap. Feel it in all those tiny bones.

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