List of Things Banned From My Cult’s Compound

I would like you to join my cult! Acceptance is almost guaranteed, provided you are able to follow a sacred baby handful of tiny little rules. Just reading this, you are halfway there! Following is the easy part! Trust me! Below are guidelines you will adhere to while under my spiritual guidance and protection from the outside world and the razor-tongued, skin-eating demons that inhabit it. :) 

1. Cult members are not allowed to have pets because dogs and cats – the most common pets – are often government-issued spies and I am allergic.

2. Spherical globes because they are either misguided or deceptive in a world shaped like whatever fruit I most recently had for breakfast.

3. Nudity. It goes without saying that my followers must be covered at all times, lest their nudity distract attention from whatever it is I am doing at the moment.

4. Driving is only allowed for designated persons of my choosing and to designated locations and those persons must not give me my keys for the evening no matter how much I ask or even beg/cry.

5. Cult members are not allowed to use the internet except to ‘like’ things on my Facebook page. Comments are permitted but will be heavily monitored with any and all unfit (ie. disrespectful, sarcastic, cliche, overdramatic, or boring) comments resulting in some sort of termination.

6. Cult members must wear their helmet at all times.

7. Smoking is encouraged. Non-smoking cult members must engage in equivalent carcinogenic behavior or face the fitting penalty (normally some sort of viral infection.)

8. All bodily clippings (fingernails, toenails, hair, foreskin in the case of newborn males) must be saved in order to preserve a historical record of our cult’s life to be stored in the Awesome Pyramid.

9. All cult members must devote their lives wholly and truly to the construction of the Awesome Pyramid.

10. Please no more questions regarding the final design of the Awesome Pyramid. I will unveil it as the gods, which I am one of obviously, deem the moment is auspicious.

In the meantime, keep working.

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