Tag Archives: writing
I am very excited to announce the release of my newest book, Stray/Pest, out today from Bottlecap Press in St. Louis. Learn more and pick up your own copy at the link below: http://bottlecap-press.myshopify.com/products/straypest
This is the front and back covers of my new two-story chapbook, Stray/Pest, out this month from Bottlecap Press. Stay tuned for purchasing information! In the meantime, here is a link to their website: http://bottlecappress.tumblr.com
Moles is being republished in the Cobalt Volume 2 anthology alongside a number of other cool writers. It looks beautiful too. Buy one here: http://www.cobaltreview.com/purchase/
1. People Online: People on the Internet keep saying that lists are stupid now, annoying and not funny anymore. You’ve got to listen closely to people on the Internet because there are so many of them and they are all talking so much at the same time.
2. The Economy: I spend a large portion of my day applying for jobs or researching jobs to apply for. Otherwise, I am writing books that are not in list form. If there were a job offer or a writing contract that demanded I write lists, I would probably spend all my time writing lists. I would hate myself too, because I am one of those “people online” mentioned above.
3. Lists: There are already a number of lists to read, so I thought: Why not make something else? “People online” have the list-thing covered already, even if they think it is stupid.
4. Holidays: During the holidays, I spend a lot of time doing things that distract me from making lists. Activities that make me forget lists existed in the first place.
5. Writer’s Block: I don’t actually have “writer’s block” (I have been writing a ton of stuff lately, just not lists) but I thought it would be a good one to add here because it is funny to imagine a person who only writes lists getting “writer’s block” yet it happens all the time I am sure.
6. Religion: I am considering founding a new religion that will likely be based around one list (not of “commandments” but of “demands”) and so I am distancing myself from all my previous lists because I want my followers to take me seriously.
7. You Have to Come Up With An Idea For Every Number In The List, Even Seven: Yep, even seven.
8. Racism: Somebody, one of the “people online,” told me that only white people of European descent wrote lists. I am pretty pale-skinned but only partially of European descent so I had to check with other “people online” to make sure it was cool that I was awarded this frivolous act of “privilege.”
9. I Don’t Really Care About Lists: Lists were never important to me. In fact, I don’t even remember writing any of them, yet they exist online and in print in a few places to prove that I once made some. This doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t make me want to write lists either, except maybe this one.
10. Image Macros: I am trying to up my image macro game. Just kidding. Image macros are clearly the “new lists.”
In the circles I run in
“The Vampire Facial” means something:
taking a cold load in the face from a zombie.
It is supposed to be ironic.
Leave it to Miami to sell you
blood from your arm
to put in your face.
At least the zombies
don’t try to rob you
when they are making
you look stupid.
Illustration by Carabella Sands
Dragons do not exist. If they did, I would know about it. We all would. But of course you already know that.
But what if they did exist?
Nothing, really. It would be gnarly, that’s all.
(Note: The Komodo Dragon does exist. The saliva that it produces is so toxic that animals become poisoned and die when it bites them. There are other species in the world, I assume, that share the name “dragon”. Because dragons are such a pervasive myth, crossing almost all world cultures, the name is likely to be used when referring to a number of lizards and reptiles. Don’t be fooled. These are not dragons. Even dinosaurs, though dragon-like, were not dragons. They were something else.)
1) List of names to assign the imaginary friends of my future children, should they exist.
2) List of maniacal plots involving a time machine.
3) List of toys that can be made from rotten fruit.
4) List of board games that could provide a dramatic backdrop for my suicide.
5) List of friends I will never have whether I get to know them or not.
6) List of body parts that I wish no longer existed.
7) List of natural things that happen in my backyard and are more important than me.
8) List of days on a wall in prison.
9) List of Lists I Would Like To Make (part 2)
10) List of Lists I Will Never Make (parts 1 and 2).
Illustration by Carabella Sands
I love to watch fish. Almost as much as I love to eat them. I don’t like to catch them all that much though. It’s boring. So here’s my one and only fishing story: Me and Dave were on some boat with his girlfriend. I didn’t have a girlfriend, but that’s another story. We were trying to catch a rockfish or something. Beats me, I was just there to get drunk. We didn’t catch anything for a really long time though and we started to go crazy out there. Conversation completely ceased and I even began pacing. On a boat! Pacing!
I was wanting badly to go back to the city and sit at a bar, when Dave made some lame joke about catching whales. Killer whales. I pretended to laugh, sarcastically. Then we actually caught one and I felt stupid.